This Is Not Love

Recently I was asked about my book The Ties That Bind. I shared that it’s about my testimony of brokenness and how among my many struggles, I had suffered physical abuse at the hands of my then intimate partner. “In fact,” I said, “I share the intimate details of not only the physical, but emotional and psychological abuse as well.”

Therefore, please allow me to preface this by saying that while we are on the heels of the Ray Rice and then fiancé, Janay Palmer’s story; of him knocking her unconscious on the elevator...this isn’t just about Ray Rice and Janay Palmer.

Many of us have expressed our opinions of what should and shouldn’t be done regarding Rice’s career, his punishment; him being held accountable for his actions. And many of us have also expressed our opinions of whether or not Janay should’ve married him, if she should’ve stayed, and/or why did she stay. And yet, we’ve failed to take the plank out of our own eye.

Again, I want to say, this incident really isn’t just about Ray Rice or Janay Palmer…this is about us.

This is a wakeup call. Do you hear the alarm going off?

You see, while many of us are able to say what we would and wouldn’t do, what we would and wouldn’t take, and if I were him or if I were her, the truth of the matter is…most of us are enduring that same abuse just on a different level. The abuse may not have escalated to us being knocked unconscious physically, but we’ve been knocked unconscious emotionally, psychologically, and I’ll even go as far as to say…spiritually.

In fact…some of us are still unconscious.

I understand. He never slapped, pushed, shoved, or abused you physically in the slightest way, okay. But what about the emotional and psychological abuse you suffer as a result of his infidelity; the relationships that he’s had (and continues to have) with other women…and you stay? Okay, so you think, as long as he’s coming home that you’re not affected. Don’t be fooled. You are being affected; you are being abused emotionally and psychologically as you continue to try to hold on to him and tolerate this type of behavior.

The alarm is sounding.

You are in an abusive relationship.

It’s time for us to wake up – and respond.

I understand. We don’t know it’s physical abuse because it’s just a push and that was the first time it happened. We don’t know that it’s abuse because it’s just a slap in the face. We don’t see it as abuse because in our minds physical abuse is when you are being beaten severely. If it’s not a black eye, broken arm or bruised body, then it’s not abuse.

I understand. We don’t realize we’re being abused because he said it was just sex, she didn’t mean anything to him. We don’t realize we’re being abused because he said he was sorry every time it happened. We don’t see it as abuse because in our minds we are convinced he loves us. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with me.

And consequently, before we realize it, we’re in so deep that there’s no way out. And as the abuse escalates, we continue to go back and forth with the desire to leave that’s overruled by the love (and fear) that makes us stay.

The alarm is sounding.

I understand. What they see from the outside looking in is not what we see on the inside looking out.

We don’t see what they see. We can’t hear the alarm going off. We’re unconscious. We cannot respond.

I understand. Yes, I stayed. Why? I wanted to stay. Why? I loved him.

But let me make this clear: I didn’t write this to ask, “Why don’t you leave?” I didn’t write this to say, “When you get tired of the abuse, you’ll leave.”

But I did write this to say, “This is not love.”

God wants to heal, deliver, and set you free from The Ties That Bind. As long as you are unconscious and not responding...spiritually, you cannot receive the love, healing, or blessings of God. God would not have you to suffer in an abusive relationship, but rather He wants to awaken your consciousness.

This is the will of God concerning you.